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10 Commandments of the Men’s Restroom

While girls have a long list of rules for relationships and dating, men tend to just let things happen. However, when it comes to public bathrooms, men suddenly form a communist-like attitude. The men’s restroom can be a dangerous place. If you’re not paying attention and your eyes accidentally wander, you could wake up in a bathroom stall with a black eye. If guys cared as much about a clean bathroom as they do about the commandments of the restroom, the world would be a much cleaner place. Until the day comes, you had best prepare yourself for entering a crowded public bathroom by studying the 10 commandments of the men’s restroom:

Thou shalt not use thy mobile phone in the restroom.

There’s a growing trend among young men to pull out their smartphone in the restroom. The objective of the mens restroom is to get in and get out in one sanitary motion. Standing on your iPhone tweeting while you get every last drip into the urinal. The men’s restroom is not a social gathering. You are turning it into one by stalling on your phone.

 

Thou shalt adhere to positioning protocol.

If you’re first to a row of urinals, choose the one furthest from the door. If you’re second in, choose the opposite end. If you’re third in, choose the middle. Try to leave at least one urinal’s gap between users. Here endeth the lesson.

 

Thou shalt not sneak a peek.

Never let your eyes stray from straight ahead. You’re allowed a glance straight down to check that you’re aiming correctly, or a gaze straight up, as if deep in contemplation. If you look in any other direction, it’s fair to assume you are sneaking a peak.

 

Thou shalt not provide musical accompaniment.

Attention-seeking when one’s organ is out of one’s pants is completely unacceptable. That means no singing, humming or whistling.

 

Thou shalt not maketh smalltalk.

No man enjoys talking while using the restroom. Don’t make an awkward social situation even more awkward by trying to make small talk. If you must make communication, a simple nod will do.

Those shalt not overdo the shake. 

A little jiggle does the job. No need to make out you’re wrestling with a ten-foot python because we all know you’re not.

 

Thou shalt zip between urinal and sink.

This is a tricky one. The ultimate goal of the men’s restroom is to get in and get out, so that means you have to move in a timely manner. With every second counting, don’t sit around at the urinal zipping up and fastening your belt. Do this on the way to the sink. It’s important to make sure that everything is put away in your boxers before though.

 

Thou shalt not spit.

Get it together, guys. One of the most disgusting things you can do is unload a giant loogey into the bowl you just filled with urine. Spitting gum is included in this.

 

Thou shalt not go hands-free.

Two-handed is industry standard. One-handed will be tolerated. No-handed is unacceptable. Not only does it show everyone that you’re pretending to have something you really don’t,  it also leaves it under not control. Nobody likes an accidental spray.

 

Thou shalt just go.

If you suffer from “shy bladder syndrome” or “stage fright”, man up and try to overcome it. Standing at the urinal for several minutes with no action will lead others to suspect you enjoy being in there a little too much.

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